


Would you kiss me or just leave me?

by transgendergerard



Category: Bandom, PRF - Fandom, Panic! at the Disco, Panic! at the Disco - RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - illness, Based on real life experiences, Chronic Illness, Comfort/Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Illness, Panic At The Disco (Band), Ryan has a heart defect, Ryden, Sad Ryan Ross, Touring, fever era, they're both 19
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 17:01:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11040438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transgendergerard/pseuds/transgendergerard
Summary: Ryan has a heart defect and has to get a third major open heart surgery done after this tour ends, so for once he's not looking forward to the tour to being over. Brendon tries his best to comfort him.





	Would you kiss me or just leave me?

Ryan was in his dressing room. The band was about to go on stage. They’re playing somewhere in the middle of nowhere Colorado, but at least home was two states away and not across the country like it’s normally is. They have a few more dates left for their first tour, and then they have a small break. Ryan wasn’t really looking forward to break for once. He had a bunch of doctor appointments to go to, mainly heart-related. He’s 19 and it’s about that time where he’s supposed to have his third open heart surgery… which he hasn’t been looking forward to at all. Who would? His last one was when he was 5, but he doesn’t remember that one or the other one he had as a baby. He’s going to remember this one. It might be the vocal point of the next album. Who knows.

  He has found himself standing in front of the mirror, his shirt still on, but his fingers have found their way up his chest. His shirt is up a little. So he can see a little bit of his scar, where his fingers are. He hates his scar so much. It’s the main reason why he reasons fancy suits on stage. So the audience doesn't see his chest, unlike Brendon. Who could perform naked if it didn’t get the band thrown out of the place. He has had his scar his entire life, but he will never get used to it. Will never get used to how people ask more questions about his health than the music, will never get used to his feminine body. He has been asked if he was a girl more times if he could count. Or that if he was trans, which he didn’t blame people. There was a reason why Brendon sings and not him. Tears are threating to come out, his face looks upset. He was about to sigh in frustration and throw himself to the couch and hid his face in the pillows when he heard a knock on the door.

  “Ry, are you okay in there? We’re about to go on stage in 10.” He let out a breath. It was just Brendon.

“Oh yeah… I’m fine. I was just putting the finishing touches on my makeup is all.” A lie. But he didn’t want Brendon to feel bad for him, so it’s fine for now. He hears the door open, Brendon showing his face and walks in. Ryan notices that his shirt is still up a little so he fixes it just in time. Brendon walks up to him. Directly faces him so he doesn’t see himself in the mirror.

“Are you sure Ryan? We can call off the show if you aren’t feeling okay. You look like you’re about to cry.” Brendon puts his arms around Ryan’s waist, pulling him into a hug, and putting Ryan’s head on his shoulder.

“I’m fine Brendon, I swear. It’s just this stupid brain overthinking things.” He says, nervously.

“If you say so, Ry. I just don’t want you to overwork yourself okay? I don’t want you to tell your entire medical history to some random doctor in some random state we are only in for a night.” “Yeah, true. I’ll make sure to drink more water.” Ryan promises, acting like that will fix things. Both boys heard a loud knock on the door, Zack. Both thought to themselves.

“Guys! Hurry we have 5 minutes to stage!” They sighed together, Ryan getting himself out of Brendon’s hold.

“We’re coming!” He yelled back, walking towards the door when Brendon stopped him. So he could kiss him on the lips. “I love you, you’re going to be fine babe.” Ryan gave a small smile at Brendon, and give him a small kiss on the cheek at that.

“Thanks, now lets go out there before Zack kicks us out of our own band.” Ryan replied, with a small laugh. They went walked out the door and walked towards the stage, off the play one of their favorite shows on tour so far.

 

  They’re on the bus, close to the hotel they’re staying for the night. It’s one of those rare nights where they get a hotel. Ryan and Brendon have a room with two beds, but queen sized. Ryan wanted to know why they got this hotel, but he wasn’t going to ask. It’s not his own bed, but it’s a bed. And a big bed at that, so he’s fine with it. The bus moved its way into the hotel parking lot, making a full stop. Everyone was getting out and getting settled in their own rooms.

  Once Ryan and Brendon got into their room Ryan settled into his bed. Brendon walked over to his bed and started talking.

“Hey Ry, the rest of us are going out to get drinks to celebrate tonight, you wanna go?” Brendon asked, smiling like a child.

“No, I’m okay. I’m really tired so I’m going to call it a night.”

“Hm… if you say so.”

“By the way Brendon, I assume you have a fake ID since you’re not 21?”

“Maybe… but I’m not showing you it.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really! Unless you tell me why you were so upset before tonight’s show.” Brendon is on Ryan’s bed now.

 Ryan was laying on the left side of the bed, next to the window, while Brendon is set cross-legged on the side next to the nightstand.

“Do we really have to talk about it? It’s nothing to worry about!” Ryan’s voice got higher.

“Really? If it’s nothing to worry about then why did your voice just went high right there? Hmm?”

“I just… I was looking myself in the mirror wondering why my body is so fucked up and why anyone loves me.”

“Oh is that? That’s not stupid, Ryan. You know you can talk to me about this kind of stuff even if I don’t understand.”

Ryan let out a loud sigh at that, flipping himself over so he can put his head under the pillow.

“It’s just… I don’t like being different Brendon. Everyone asks more questions about what’s wrong with me and not care about the music, and I’ll look at you on stage with your pants barely on and shirtless when I wear a shirt with long selfs and a collar that hides my scar. I look like a girl and people have even asked me if I am one, and once I get home I won’t even have a proper break cause I’ll have to have another open heart surgery three weeks from coming home from tour. You do know the lyrics for the next album will probably be all about my surgery right?”

Ryan’s face was bright red, crying now. The pillow is on his head now. Trying to hide from Brendon. Brendon slowing removes the pillow from Ry’s face, hating to see the boy upset like this.

Ryan’s hands are in between his eyes now and trying to keep the tears in control. Brendon has lied down next to Ryan, his head on top of his chest, ear right on his heart. To hear Ryan’s abnormal heartbeat.

 “Ry, I hope you know that it’s fine that you’re different. You wouldn’t be the Ryan that I love if you weren’t you. I for one love your heart, even if it’s not like everyone’s else’s. It’s yours. The band wouldn’t be the band if you were someone else.”

“I hope one day you learn to love yourself the same way I love you. Cause to me you’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are.”

  Brendon sits up so he's faced to face with Ryan. He kisses him, nice and slow. Showing Ryan that he is loved. Ryan’s hands have found their way to Brendon’s neck, keeping them there. While Brendon’s hands have found their way to the bottom of Ryan’s shirt, taking it off. Ryan’s eyes open wide, wondering what Brendon is planning.

“Uh… what are you… doing?”

“Kissing you… if that’s okay? I’m not sure if I got the signal or not.”

“I thought you wanted to get drinks and get drunk.” Ryan giggled, loving how Brendon changed his plans.

“I found something more important I guess.”

“Really?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah. Can’t be wasted when my boyfriend is in the hospital recovering from a major surgery.” Boyfriend?

“Oh, um, you want to be there for me when I have it?”

“Yes of course I do. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t come?” “A shitty boyfriend?”

“And we can’t have that.” Brendon kisses his scar, Ryan shivers.

“No, we can’t.”

“Now, can I show my boyfriend how much I love him?”

“Yeah, sure. You can do whatever.” Ryan giggled. Maybe the break won’t be so bad.

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this fic to the DOAB TN squad - you guys know who you are :)  
>  Song lyrics are from Do You Know What I'm Seeing? by Panic. 
> 
> follow me on tumblr - www.grayjedigerard.tumblr.com


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